


Off Time

by Croppmar000



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Texting, downtime, exclusively texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2019-09-19 23:36:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 12,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17011314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Croppmar000/pseuds/Croppmar000
Summary: Dick: You owe me like a dollarWally: You’ll have to kill me for it





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to remain consistent and keep all of Wally's texts on the left side and Dick's on the right.

Wally: Hey!

Guess what

Dick: ?

Wally: I got that popcorn kernel out of my teeth finally.

Dick: Wow!

How long that take you? 3 hours.

Wally: Yes.

* * *

 

Dick: Everyday you wake up, you go to work, you put sugar in your coffee

and you watch it disappear into nothingness.

But the sugar doesn’t know why

Sugar didn’t ask to be born.

Wally: Are you high or sleep deprived?

I honestly can’t tell

* * *

Dick: Shoot for the moon. If you miss here’s a gentle reminder that the moon’s diameter is 3475 KM

and you could not have f***ed this up more.

Wally: All I ask for is support is that too much to ask for?

* * *

Wally: You know how magicians will put their hands in their hats and pull a rabbit out,

where do the rabbits come from?

Dick: From the rabbit realm

It goes like this

The hand emerges. It is time. The rabbit must choose a sacrifice.

Wally: Ah. Thanks.

* * *

Dick: In Japanese they don’t say moon

They say tsuki. Which literally translates to moon

And I think that’s how language works

Wally: I’m trying to sleep

* * *

Wally: I still think 10 years ago was 1990

Dick: Me too man

* * *

Wally: Our relationship with ants is weird.

Dick: How so?

Wally: Ants are all like “Hey I only want these crumbs okay?”

and we’re all like “You most certainly will not!”

Dick: What class are you in right now?

Wally: English. Can’t you tell?

* * *

Wally: I’m partially glad I’m not rich.

If I had an infinite supply of money I’d certainly have eaten myself to death on

Reese's peanut-butter cups by 14.

Dick: So dying a warrior’s death mean nothing to you?

* * *

Wally: Is Lebron too scared to guard Kevin Durant.

It’s the damn NBA finals.

Dick: Who told you to say that?

Wally: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Dick: Who?!

Wally: I’m watching

Dick: Bulls***

You did NOT formulate that thought.

* * *

Wally: I just went into my kitchen and got some juice.

I walked back into my room and threw my juice on my bed instead of my phone.

* * *

Wally: Name one fragrance commercial that has ever made sense

Dick: What are you talking about?

That all make scents.

Wally: Why did I think asking you would result in anything less.

* * *

Dick: Christmas Prank!

I wrap everything in the kitchen in wrapping paper.

What do you think?

Wally: I think Alfred will kill you

And I am not helping you hide from Alfred

* * *

Dick: Dude! Yesterday I went to sleep at 6am and woke up at 7pm and thought okay nice 1 hour of sleep before dinner.

Then Alfred told me it was yesterday. WTF I slept 25 hours.

Wally: Nice. Now I have a record to beat.

* * *

Wally: I have absolutely no idea what size an acer is in real people language.

Dick: 1% the size of the woods where Winnie the Pooh lives

Boom!

Next question

* * *

Dick: Thanksgiving and Black Friday are a funny combo.

People go from being thankful to body slamming each other for TVs

* * *

Wally: Current Mood- Ryan Evans when he wasn’t allowed to sing HumuHumu

Dick: Wow that bad?

* * *

Wally: My mom says you’re a bad influence.

Dick: She probably right.

* * *

Wally: Welcome to my very first vlog in which I try different hair products

*I spray hairspray into my mouth*

Well… My immediate thought is that this one is no bueno.

Dick: I’m not sure what you’re implying but I’m in regardless.

* * *

Dick: I wish I had an even more vague void than the internet to scream into.

Wally: An abandoned Kmart parking lot just before dawn.

Dick: Jesus I didn’t say a whole different dimension.

* * *

Dick: Double bubble disco queen headed to the guillotine

Skin as cool as rasputin, russia’s greatest love machine

Wally: Boy

You think you know what’s happening in this one and then it just knocks you flat doesn’t it.

* * *

Dick: My biggest pet peeve is being talked to as SOON as I wake up

I hate that crap.

Stop trying to communicate with me

Stop trying to ask me questions

I’m trying to understand the universe all over again don’t talk to me yet.

You’re gonna confuse me and piss me off

Wally: I’m sorry

The squirrel got stuck in the bird feeder in my backyard and I thought you would like it.

* * *

Wally: Hummingbirds- I shall sip the nectar from this flower in a silent ballet.

Dick: Woodpecker- I’MMA STAB THE BUGS OUTTA

THIS TREE WITH MY FACE KNIFE!!!!!!!

Wally: I think I figured out why my mom thinks you’re a bad influence.

* * *

Wally: I sometimes feel offended by American stereotypes but then I remember

We had a nationwide panic when they stopped making Twinkies

Dick: Don’t you dare talk bad about Twinkies

* * *

Wally: I want to go on a shopping trip where I am the only one in the shopping mall

where I am the only one in the shopping mall and everything I want is free

Dick: I believe they call that a robbery

Wally: So be it

* * *

Wally: I think Artemis is plotting my death

Dick: Tell her I her wish the best of luck


	2. Chapter 2

Wally: Y’all might call me ugly but my mom’s facebook friends don’t

Dick: Who's calling you ugly?!

I’ll go beat them up myself

* * *

Dick: Some random person just decided he knew what dinosaurs sounded like and we just blindly agreed

Wally: Are you looking to change something?

* * *

Wally: Well, well, well. If it isn’t the consequences of my own actions

Dick: *Sigh* What happened this time?

* * *

Dick: *Kisses laptop webcam before going to bed* Good night Mr. FBI spy man

Wally: WTF

* * *

Wally: How do I say “B**** I ain’t trying to hang with you” but in a nice way?

Dick: I am declining the opportunity to spend an extended amount of time in your presence

Wally: Thanks

* * *

Wally: You know a really smart TV would know to turn the volume up when I start eating chips.

Dick: How quickly can you get over here because I have some ideas

* * *

Dick: Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.

Wally: What are you planning and why are you involving me?

* * *

Wally: AAAHHH SO WHEN YAA GONNA BUY ME A PIZZA?

Dick: Never

We don’t have that kind of relationship.

* * *

Wally: What’s one thing that became more clear as you got older

Dick: Why the Grinch wanted to live alone with his dog.

* * *

Dick: It’s safe to come out now.

Wally: I don’t believe you.

Dick: I have given you no reason to doubt me.

Wally: You’ve given me every reason to doubt you.

You and Artemis are working in unison

And I REFUSE to lose the water balloon fight

* * *

Wally: DUDE!!!!!!

Guess what.

Dick: You freed another popcorn kernel from your teeth?

Wally: Better I got a copy of Fortnite.

Wanna help me burn it?

Dick: I’m honored you thought of me.

* * *

Dick: You wanna know the weirdest part about being a girl’s best friend?

Wally: You’re really shiny and expensive.

Dick: I guess I walked into that one

* * *

Dick: YOU

ME

DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION

MY HOUSE

FRIDAY

Wally: You had me at the typing sign.

* * *

Wally: What does water taste like?

Dick: I’ll tell you if you can describe a color you can’t see.

Wally: You win this round.

* * *

Wally: wyd

Dick: Living with the irrational fear that someone will steal all the aglets from my shoelaces.

Wally: How many pain meds are you taking right now?

* * *

Wally: There’s something howling out there.

Dick: Relax it’s just a warecow.

Wally: That doesn’t make me feel better.

* * *

Wally: I have something really important to tell you. Call me.

Dick: No you can walk three feet and whisper it seductively in my ear

* * *

Wally: Today was the worst

Dick: Well look on the bright side you don’t look like what you did in 6th grade.

Wally: I guess that was sort of helpful.

* * *

Dick: TA DA

Wally: ?

Dick: The usual response is applause.

Wally: I don’t know if it’s warranted

Dick: Trust me it is.

Wally: And the crowd goes wild.

* * *

Wally: AND IIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOOOVEE YOOOUUU!!!!

Dick: It’s 3 in the morning

* * *

Wally: He’s making a list, he’s checking twice

He’s gonna find out who’s naughty and nice.

Dick: Santa Claus is calling you out

* * *

Dick: Remember if you lose a sock in the dryer it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers

Wally: Everything is clear to me now

* * *

Dick: M’gann is making cookies

Do you want me to save you some?

Wally: That’s a silly question

I’m a growing boy with superpowers in need of a well rounded diet.

Dick: Sooo… Yes?

Wally: Duh

* * *

Wally: I wanna hippopotamus for Christmas

Only a hippopotamus will doooo.

Dick: I’m thinking I can make that happen.

Wally: BET!!

* * *

Dick: How would you describe your writing style

Wally: Probably the equivalent of a thesaurus getting food poisoning.

* * *

Dick: Question

What’s your dream job?

Wally: Food consumption specialist

* * *

Dick: I don’t understand racism.

Because people are like eggs. Some have light shells and some have dark shells.

But there’s no point in differentiating them because they all taste the same once you crack them open and empty their guts onto a frying pan.

Wally: Wait until I show a vegan this

* * *

Wally: This close to putting hot sauce on my toes

Dick: ?

Context

Wally: My grandma’s cat is an aggressive toe bitter

And I want to make that demon rue the day it decided to bite my toes again

Dick: Have fun

* * *

Wally: I don’t have an advent calendar so I’m just opening my cupboards and eating whatever I find.

Dick: This seems like a questionable strategy but who am I to stop you.

* * *

Dick: I’m worried that if I heal from my trauma I won’t be funny anymore

Wally: That implies you were funny to begin with.

* * *

Wally: Bitten my a radioactive cicada now all I can do is scream all day

Dick: Remind me not to go to your house today.

* * *

Wally: I hate it when the dentist is trying to have an in-depth conversation with you while he’s sticking a million things in your mouth.

*10 minutes later*

Wally: I also hate that you won’t complain with me.

Helloooooo????

I will blow up your phone

It’s not a threat it’s a promise

3

2

Dick: Dude calm down I was in the middle of a test

* * *

Dick: Whenever I’m sad I just think about how the welsh word for microwave is popty ping.

Wally: That’s actually helpful

Where do you learn this stuff?

* * *

Wally: Wakey Wakey

The sun is up

Dick: Put it back down

* * *

Dick: We should bridge the gap by combing old slang and new slang into one.

For example “Mood to the max”

Wally: Or “Tubular AF”

Dick: Groovy, I hate it

Wally: *Best 1995 straight white girl voice* omigod yeet me with a spoon

We need to share this with the world

* * *

Wally: Who am I supposed to invite to parties when I have like 3 friends and dislike my entire family?

Dick: Hear me out

Cats, dogs, fancy clothes

Wally: I like it

* * *

Dick: Do you think Satan is gay?

Wally: Of course not he’s married to Mrs. Claus

Dick: Ummmm….

Wally: Wait

I messes up

* * *

Wally: When Artemis makes me mad I look at her through a fork so it looks like she’s in jail.

Dick: Well

I guess that’s one way to handle that problem

* * *

Wally: This little girl was having the hiccups on the bus but she didn’t know what they were

So I told her an alien was trying to escape out her chest

And then I booked it out of there because super speed or not that mother was going to kill me and she was going to win.

Dick: OMFG I can’t breath

* * *

Wally: Gun to your head

You have to pick a song and recite it perfectly or he shoots you.

What are you going to pick?

Dick: The alphabet

If I can’t recite the alphabet I am a waste of oxygen anyways

* * *

Dick: Last night I forgot what milk was called

So you want to know what I called it?

Freaking cereal water

Wally: That’s a more appropriate name anyways

* * *

Wally: Imagine if worms had legs

Dick: You mean a centipede?

* * *

Wally: My dad told me there should be a Netflix for books

So I told him “you know there’s this thing called a library, right?”

I’ve never seen him look so defeated

Dick: You broke your dad

* * *

Dick: I was talking to Babs and was trying to describe a type of marine animal.

But I couldn’t think of the word I was looking for so I called a sea pancake

The word I was looking for was Manta Ray

Wally: Wow

First cereal water and now sea pancake

Dick: Shut up english isn’t my first language

* * *

Dick: We all have 2 minutes to live but breathing resets it

Wally: Stop that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's chapter 2  
> More coming soon


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know the drill

Wally: I once knew a kid that got suspended from Catholic school because he referred to Jesus and the 12 disciples as J.C and the Boys

Dick: That the only way I’m going to refer to them now

* * *

Dick: Why english is easily my favorite language

All the faith he had had had had no effect on the outcome of his life

And it makes perfect sense.

Wally: Man it’s the only language I speak and that sentence made my head hurt

* * *

Dick: Why is dark spelled with a K instead of C?

Because you can see in the dark. 

Buh Bum Tiss

Wally: I hate you

* * *

Wally: You know what’s really odd?

Dick: Numbers not divisible by 2

Wally: I can’t believe you typed those words and had me read them.

* * *

Wally: DUDE!!!!!

Dick: Yeah?

Wally You know what we should do right now because I’m super bored?

Wally: We should go to Ikea and then hide in those closets and when someone walks by we walk out and say “I’m back from Narnia”

Dick: …

Dick: I’m on my way

* * *

Dick: Let’s play a game

Wally: Okay? I am slightly frightened

Dick: Don’t be. 

So if you could travel around the world with one person who would it be?

Wally: Pssh that’s easy. Dora. She has everything in that weird magical purple backpack

* * *

Dick: M’gann told me you tripped on your shoe laces when you were leaving the bioship

You good?

Wally: I didn’t trip

The floor needed and impromptu hug

Dick: And that’s why you were crying

Wally: It was an emotional time.

* * *

Dick: I didn’t hear from you today.

Wally: That’s because I was busy converting oxygen into carbon dioxide, regenerated cells, transmitted nerve signals to my brain, and and digested food.

Dick: Ah

* * *

Dick: What did one ocean say to the other?

Wally: What?

Dick: Nothing they just waved

Wally: :/

Dick: Do you sea what I did there?

Wally: No

Dick: I’m shore you did

Wally: Why am I friends with you?

Dick: Don’t be such a beach

* * *

Wally: Send me words of encouragement so I don’t murder anyone at school

Dick: There’s no Netflix in prison

* * *

Dick: I just met you

Wally: ?

Dick: And this is cra-zy

Wally: No

Dick: But here’s my number.

Wally: Stop

Dick: So call me maybe

Wally: Dick seriously

Dick: Before you came into my life, I missed you SO BAD

Wally: Unfollowed and blocked

Dick: I MISSED YOU SO BAD

Wally: I hate you.

I MISSED YOU SO, SO BAD

Dick: Mission accomplished.

* * *

Dick: Just remember you are one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos

Wally: What if I die before then?

Dick: Then it is nacho lucky day

Wally: Blocked

* * *

Wally: Name a cover that was better than the original

Dick: I need a hero from shrek.

* * *

Wally: We really are f***ed.

Dick: Why

Wally: WWIII could break out any day and we’d all be like “this is so sad Alexa play Despacito”

Dick: Well how else are you supposed to react?

* * *

Dick: Do you take constructive criticism

Wally: *already crying* Sure. What’s up

* * *

Wally: I love on Christmas Day when there’s a present for you labeled from mom and dad

And you know he has no idea what’s inside.

Dick: No Wally

I wouldn’t know that

Wally: Please don’t start this again.

Dick: I will play that card as often as I want to.

* * *

Dick: *Knows faux is pronounced foe*

Fox

Wally: Always have and always will

* * *

Wally: Hey if a public bathroom door is locked

Don’t forget to try and repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

Dick: Do you want to talk about it.

* * *

Wally: How many languages do you know?

Dick: Like 6

Why?

Wally: I’ve made plans

Dick: Bruce just read those over my shoulder and told you to cancel them

Wally: Damn

* * *

Wally: I think Roy’s mad at me

Dick: It’s well earned I’m sure

Wally: Do you even know what I did?

Dick: Do you?

Wally: It’s a long list of possibilities.

* * *

Wally: I want food

But that requires movement

Dick: Oh whatever will you do?

* * *

Dick: Idk I think it was left here.

Wally: What

Dick: Not you

Wally: What was left there

I need to know

Dick: Is your name Babs?

Wally: I know for a fact that her name isn’t Babs either

* * *

Wally: Shirts are crazy. You go in one hole and out 3

Dick: Excuse me?

* * *

Wally: Can toothpaste go bad?

Dick: There is no good or bad

Only power and those too weak to see it

Wally: That really didn’t answer my question but okay

* * *

Dick: This is my first attempt at creepypasta so bare with me

Dick: Carpeted Kitchen

Wally: ...

That’s terrible

Why would you make me imagine such a thing

* * *

Dick: Did you know scientist recently changed the name of a group of squids to a squad?

Wally: What a time to be alive

* * *

Dick: Hey now

Wally: You’re an Allstate

*All star

Dick: Get your game on

Drive safe

* * *

Dick: Every morning I consider dropping out of society and living in my bed full time

Wally: I’ve almost gone through with it several times

* * *

Wally: I had a teacher just ask me what inspired me to write an essay

It took every ounce of willpower to not say the due date

Dick: Why didn’t you?

Wally: Because this teacher hates me and would suspend me for that comment

He keeps score of every smart remark

It’s rather extensive

Dick: Color me impressed

* * *

Wally: What is it like studying different languages?

Dick: I don’t think you’re ready for my answer

Wally: I want your insite

Dick: Okay…

Latin- Words like yes and no aren’t important. Memorize these 3000 different ways to talk about killing people though because you will use them

Greek- Hello naughty student it’s participle time

Egyptian- Ancient pictionary

French- Pronouncing every letter is for chumps

German- Let’s combine every other word together for the U L T I M A T E F R A N K E N W O R D!!!!!!!!!

Mandarin- lol what’s a verb tense

Spanish- lol what isn’t a verb tense?

English- Welcome to hell

Wally: I wasn’t prepared for that


	4. Chapter 4

Wally: You call it bad at darts

I call it freestyle acupuncture

Dick: I can guarantee the cops will not call it that

* * *

Dick: For Halloween I’m going to be emotionally stable

No one’s gonna know it’s me

Wally: Are you okay?

* * *

Dick: What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises

Wally: It becomes daytrogen

Dick: I’m going to bed

Wally: Good nitrogen

Sleep tightrogen

Don’t let the bedbugs bitrogen

* * *

Dick: Don’t judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows

Wally: WTF

What kind of advice is that?

* * *

Wally: I’m naturally funny because my whole life is a joke

Dick: Glad you finally figured that out.

* * *

Dick: I’m warning you right now

My house is not safe

Wally: ?

Dick: We have a lot of leftover candy canes for some unknown reason

And Jason has decided that his new years resolution will be to stab as many people as he can with them

Wally: It sounds like you need back up

You make the plan and I’ll do whatever you come up with

Dick: Jason you’re going down

* * *

Dick: 4/20?

You mean ⅕!

Reduce your fractions

Wally: OMG

* * *

Wally: Maybe the sun doesn’t want to be called hot

Maybe it wants to be called beautiful

Dick: Think before you speak

* * *

Dick: Tupperware never recovers from spaghetti

Wally: Forever orange.

* * *

Wally: It’s weird that horses are considered prey animals.

Dick: How so

Wally: Because what animal looks at a freaking 8 foot ENORMOUS beast with pitch black eyes, terrifying teeth, and powerful legs and is like ‘yes this looks like easy pickings’

Dick: Well moose are considered prey animals

Wally: A moose is like a horse with extra weapons

Dick: Do you want them to be predatory animals

Wally: …

Not really no

* * *

Wally: *sends picture of husky looking at a wedding dress through a store window*

Inside every husky is a little girl who dreams about her big day

* * *

Dick: A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then it leaves.

Wally: Two can play at that game…

A question mark walks into a bar?

Dick: Two quotation marks “walk into a bar”

Wally: A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink

Dick: The bar was walked into by a passive voice

Wally: Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar.

They sit.

They drink.

They leave.

Dick: And now you can stop complaining that you don’t know what punctuation to use in english.

* * *

Dick: Old enough to know when smut was called ‘lemons’ but young enough that I had absolutely no business knowing that smut was called ‘lemons’ at the time.

Wally: Same

* * *

Wally: Summer Olympics- let’s tune in to see who the fastest on earth is at this particular sport

Dick: Winter Olympics- let’s tune in to see who can survive this s***

* * *

Dick: Do you see the problem here

Wally: Yes but I don’t want to

* * *

Wally: Saw you on the news last night

Dick: You saw Robin or me?

Wally: I’m not sure but it’s suspected that Robin saved you from something and I don’t think I’ve ever been more confused.

Dick: To be fair I saved him first.

* * *

Dick: I drowning in the socialite crowd

Wally: I’d say I care but that’s a lie and I’m not supposed to tell lies

* * *

Dick: I have a video to show you

[ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)

Wally: You did NOT just rick roll me

* * *

Dick: I think I live a dangerous life

Wally: And in other shocking and exciting news did you know water was wet?

* * *

Wally: *sends screenshot of news article saying chicken can’t afford an umbrella so she uses her wings to keep her chicks out of the rain*

WTF

Dick: ‘Can’t afford’

IT’S A CHICKEN

* * *

Wally: Sees a bug outside, hello mr bug

Sees a bug inside, die b**** die

Dick: Every time

* * *

Wally: I did something hilarious

Dick: ?

Wally: My teacher asked if we knew protons had mass

And you know me

I responded with the fact that I didn’t know they were catholic

Dick: lol

* * *

Dick: Rat is short for Ratthew.

Wally: It is 2 in the morning.

Why are you sending me things like this?

* * *

Wally: I heard a bouncing noise from the kitchen followed closely by my dad shouting ‘oh no my potato’

Dick: Is the potato okay?

Wally: I just checked on the potato

It was scary for a little bit there but it looks like the potato is going to make a full recovery.

* * *

Dick: People who are rude to their parents

Wally: Yikes

Dick: People who are rude to other people’s parents

Wally: YIKES

* * *

Dick: I know more about murdering people than most

Because of my job

That makes me sound like a hitman

I would like the clarify that I am NOT a hitman

Wally: That’s exactly what a hit man would say

* * *

Wally: Live everyday as if it were your last

‘Cause I’m gonna get you but I’m not super good with schedules.

* * *

Dick: Am I the only one that finds it weird that I can transfer data from my brain to someone else’s by opening my mouth and pushing air with vibrations in their direction.

Wally: How high are you

Dick: 5’8’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a little shorter than the others. The link is real


	5. Chapter 5

Dick: I live for 2 reason

I was born

I haven’t died yet

* * *

Wally: My mom saw our conversation yesterday consisting of gifs and asked what we were talking about

Dick: What’d you tell her?

Wally: The truth

That I had no idea anymore

* * *

Wally: I wear a clown mask to sleep sometimes so when my mom comes to wake me up in the morning just to make her understand how I feel.

Dick: Wow

Someone is salty

* * *

Dick: It’s so weird when people are squeamish about seeing brains because that’s their own brain making a decision that it looks disgusting. Brains don’t like how they look.

Wally: Self conscious brains awww

Dick: Brains don’t like what they look like because they’re not supposed to be visible

Because if they are something is deeply wrong

Wally: You might say it’s braingerous.

Dick: Blocked

* * *

Wally: I was at a family thing and my great aunt was like I want to show you the most beautiful girl in the world

Solemnly leading me to a table packed with family photos

And with one shaky finger she pointed, slowly, to a photo of……

Herself

Dick: That’s the kind of self confidence I need

* * *

Dick: I fell off a 50 foot ladder today

Wally: OMG

are you okay

Dick: Yeah, luckily I was on the first step

* * *

Dick: True self control is waiting until the movie to eat your popcorn

Wally: Why would the movie eat my popcorn

Nevermind I get it

* * *

Dick: You can’t spell dad without a

Wally: Without a what

Dick: Without a

Wally: Dammit that’s two in a row.

* * *

Wally: I was in the pizza line at lunch today and the lunch lady asked me ‘how are you’ and I responded with ‘cheese’ because I was prepared to tell her what kind of pizza I wanted and now I can’t buy pizza at school ever again.

* * *

Dick: Why does bologna and pony rhyme?

Wally: Because english is stupid

#newlanguage

* * *

Dick: You know the saying ‘kill them with kindness’?

Wally: Yes

Dick: We need to change kill to annihilate

So they KNOW we mean business

Wally: I’m game

* * *

Dick: I have this problem where ‘the other day’ ranges from yesterday to around 5 years ago

Wally: And ‘a friend of mine’ is literally anybody I’ve ever heard whose opinion I like

* * *

Dick: What do you get when you mix an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic.

Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.

Wally: Are you serious right now

* * *

Wally: Soda is crunchy water

Dick: No

No 

No 

That’s not okay.

Please never say things like that again

* * *

Wally: Every gamer’s reaction upon finding a blood covered room

Well that’s not good.

Dick: I am pretty sure that is not exclusive just to gamers

* * *

Wally: When medication says ‘do not operate heavy machinery’ they’re probably mainly referring to cars, but my mind always goes to forklift

* * *

Dick: Mmm, nothing like a bowl of convex polygons in the morning

Wally: huh?

Dick: Barbara got my joke

Wally: Barbara is smarter than both of us.

* * *

Wally: Tbh if bears were real they’d probably be really friendly

Dick: Uh what.

Wally: I just looked at what I sent you and I’m asking for you to not hold it against me.

3 am is a dangerous time

Dick: Especially if you forget bears exist

* * *

Dick: If I cut off my foot and like swing it at your head am I kicking or hitting you?

Wally: You’ll most likely mentally scar me more than anything

* * *

Wally: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Dick: I went to the park today

Wally: Great. I hope you got something from that.

Dick: A duck

Wally: Has Bruce found it yet

Dick: I can hide it from him

Sir Quakers is having to hide from Alfred.

I’m gonna lose

Wally: You may want to put Sir Quakers back

* * *

Wally: Cough

Rough

Though

Through

Why don’t these words rhyme?!

Dick: But for some freaking reason pony and bologna do

* * *

Dick: A quest is a trip to accomplish a task

An adventure is a trip without a destination

A journey is when the trip is more important that the destination

Wally: Excuse me while I take a quest to the toilet

Dick: I often take journeys up and down my halls to think.

* * *

Dick: We’re all born with scars.

From the moment we open our eyes and look at the world we are wounded, and we all share the same mark

Bellybuttons

Wally: If anyone ever asks what an anticlimax is, I’ll show them this conversation

* * *

Wally: What do you do in your free time?

Dick: Stalk people

Wally: Oh…

I run

Dick: I know

* * *

Dick: My DNA test results came back positive

I definitely have DNA

Wally: Quit bragging

* * *

Wally: Did you know you talk in your sleep.

Dick: I have been told

Wally: Well I think I have just heard your inner monolog

Dick: Do tell

Wally: Very excitedly you told me ‘Yeah guys, and now it’s time to bedazzle  _ everything _ ’

Dick: Well you heard me

Slacker

* * *

Wally: WYD

Dick: Sitting in on a mind numbing meeting while in Australia

They think I’m listening because they think I care

I don’t

Wally: Right ‘mind numbing meeting’ 

You know I know you mean illuminati meeting.

Everyone knows Australia doesn’t exist.

Dick: What

* * *

Dick: What’s your greatest weakness

Wally: Honesty

Dick: I don’t think that’s a weakness

Wally: I don’t give a s*** what you think

* * *

Dick: October

OCTOber

It’s the 8th month

I cracked the code

Wally: October is the 10th month though

Dick: It was originally the 8th month but then Julius Cesar decided to add July and August after himself and his nephew Augustus

Wally: We should totally stab Caesar

Wait.

* * *

Wally: I can’t express how much I hate f***ing bees

Dick: Then stop f***ing bees.

It really simple

Wally: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

Dick: Not after the bee movie I don’t

* * *

Dick: Suits are so great…

They’re intuxicating

Wally: Not your best

Dick: I thought it was… suitable

* * *

Wally: I like having conversations with kids.

Dick: Uhh why

Wally: Because grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is

Dick: I see. I need to step up my game

* * *

Dick: Salad, or as I call it, expensive leaf nonsense

Wally: I just told Roy that and he punched me in the arm


	6. Chapter 6

Wally: Gender was invented by bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms.

Dick: LOL what??????

* * *

Wally: Why do old people read the bible so much?

Dick: I just asked some random old guy and he said they were ‘cramming for finals’

* * *

Wally: It is my belief that everyone has a friend who is usually super nice but…

When they are angry they are the cruelest freaking people that one will ever meet in their whole life.

Dick: I am that friend

* * *

Dick: Did you know that most sandwiches don’t even have sand

Wally: WTF does that even mean

* * *

Wally: *During a magnitude 1 earthquake* The owner of the Etch-a-Sketch museum- no no No No NO!!!

Dick: Owner of the bobblehead museum- yes Yes Yes YEs YES!!!!

* * *

Dick: Who would win

1 trillion lions or the Sun

Wally: The lions would win if they attacked at night

Dick: Yeah okay

* * *

Wally: I think I dropped my house keys somewhere. That was my favorite key

It opened my house

Dick: You sound like you need a hug or a friend who can pick locks

You are lucky I am your friend

* * *

Wally: I hate when people say fart instead of anal cough

Dick: Pls don’t start that

* * *

Dick: I was looking up the word dibs on the internet and was wondering if other cultures had their own form of it and….

In Chile the equivalent of dibs would be matanga which means ‘I killed you so, it’s mine’

Wally: Nice

* * *

Wally: How much would a trip to Spain cost?

Dick: It depends where you live. For example if you live in Spain it’s free.

* * *

Wally: It’s quick, it’s easy, it’s free

Pouring river water in your socks

Dick: LMAO why would I do that?

Wally: It’s quick, it’s easy, it’s free

* * *

Dick: Pathetic mortals.

Wally: ????

Dick: You spend so much time arguing whether or not a hotdog is a sandwich that you’re ignoring the real question…

Is cereal soup?

Wally: What kind of conversation are you having right now?

* * *

Wally: What’s on your mind today?

Dick: There is no physical evidence today is Tuesday, we all just have to trust that someone kept count since the first one

* * *

Dick: Worms eat dirt, bird eats worm, man eats birds.

Notice that at each level of the food chain about 90% of the energy is lost in the form of heat.

We cut out the middle men. Join me, eating dirt, to become a being of pure energy.

Wally: Well as fun as THAT sounds....

* * *

Wally: Okay so roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming but when I do it I’m disturbing the neighbors.

Dick: I could probably scream as loud as I wanted and my neighbors would never hear me.

Wally: Could you keep your privileged life to yourself so I can relate to you better.

* * *

Wally: Assert your dominance by calling your friends by their student ID number.

Dick: Bet

* * *

Dick: My stomach growled super loud in french

I would like to clarify my stomach did not speak french. It just growled in french class.

Wally:  _ Bonjour _

_ Le growl _

_ Hon hon hon feed me a baguette _

* * *

Wally: Giving people flowers is so weird.

It’s like ‘here I killed these for you. When I saw them, I thought they were really beautiful, which reminded me of you… so I killed them.’

‘Anyway, I brought them here… And you might want to put them in water if you want them to… die slower’

* * *

Dick: What’s the chemical formula for sodium hydride

Wally: NaH

Dick: Alright fine I’ll go to the internet for answers. 

I thought we were friends

Wally: Well we’re not anymore

* * *

Dick: Cold water doesn’t even quench my 3st it’s just... cold

Wally: Quench your WHAT?!?!?!?!?

* * *

Wally: Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult

Dick: Tempting

* * *

Wally: Gas is like $40/full tank. Carrots are like $1/pound

Ya boi is getting a horse

Dick: Can’t you run at the speed of sound?

Wally: Yeah but Artemis can’t.

* * *

Dick: People write congrats because they can’t spell congrajlashins

Wally: Exactily, ecxatly, exataly… yup

* * *

Wally: Tell me something I don’t know

Dick: The word nun is just the letter n doing a cartwheel

* * *

Wally: The purest love in the world is the one between grumpy dads and the pet they said they didn’t want

Dick: I’m guessing your dad is going to attempt to kidnap your dog

Wally: It’s possible

* * *

Wally: Some people still don’t eat the crust on pizza like absolute cowards. It’s just bread. Are you a toddler? Does mommy tuck you in at night? Eat the stupid crust baby!!

Dick: Who hurt you today?

* * *

Wally: If the neighborhood isn’t going to help me wash these squirrels than I guess I will have to do it all by myself

Dick: Why are you going to wash squirrels?

Wally: Well someone has to.

* * *

Dick: You ever think about how your skeleton is always wet?

Wally: I wish I never had but thanks for ruining my life

Dick: Don’t worry. There will come a time when it’s not

Wally: Please stop, you’re just making the hole deeper

* * *

Wally: Love is dead and never existed. All you did was betray me as I lay sick and festering. You are the definition of dread.

Dick: Are you okay?

Wally: My dog stole my garlic bread

* * *

Wally: Question… Did you seriously just walk into the cave and call out my student ID number

Dick: Yeah to assert my dominance like you said

If you didn’t want me to have dominance over you then why did you respond?

* * *

Dick: Before blaming others, think… What’s one the constant in all your failures? It’s that cursed egyptian amulet why do you even have that?

Wally: I thought you actually had something profound to say there.


	7. Chapter 7

Wally: The pencil to eraser ratio is far too optimistic.

* * *

Dick: Didn’t get much sleep but I did get a solid couple of hours of anxiety.

* * *

Dick: You know the expression ‘Curiosity killed the cat’?

Wally: Yes???

Dick: We only ever half say it. 

‘Curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back’.

That’s why I always run head first into danger.

Wally: And give me an aneurysm

* * *

Dick: Why are fifteen year olds so angry?

Wally: Because the world is a shitty place and fifteen is around the age that people begin to realize it.

Dick: This explains a lot

* * *

Wally: Can you make waffles without a waffle maker?

Because I want waffles but I don’t have a waffle maker yet.

Dick: Maybe you could make pancakes and whack them with a tennis racket when their finished.

Wally: I’ll get back to you

* * *

Wally: People who facetime in public are the top of my list if The Purge ever happens 

Dick: Right up there with people who watch stuff on their iPads with no ear buds on… ON A PLANE!!!!!!

* * *

Wally: Did you know a crayon will burn for 30 minutes in an emergency

Dick: How long will it burn if it’s not an emergency?

What does a crayon define as an emergency?

* * *

Dick: Don’t worry… I’m fine

Wally: FINE?!?!?!?!?

You were STABBED!!!!!

Dick: I’ve been stabbed before

Wally: Being stabbed isn’t like getting sick.

It’s not something you build an immunity too.

* * *

Wally: You know people fear what they don’t understand

Dick: You must be perpetually terrified.

* * *

Wally: Quick I need a terrible pick up line. 

Artemis is convinced I can’t say anything to make her cringe more than I already do

Dick: How about… ‘I may like Batman, but you’re Robin my heart.’

Wally: OMG How did you come up with that so quickly?

I think I know why Barbara won’t date you

Dick: Ouch… How badly did Artemis cringe

Wally: I almost lost my girlfriend

* * *

Dick: Any noun can become a verb if you don’t care enough

Wally: That is an invalid point if you can’t back it up with some proof

Dick: I CAN SENTENCE HOW I WANT THANK

Wally: Ah that’s why I love english

Dick: I like to velociraptor around my house at 2 in the morning

Wally: Oooh Oooh I want to try

My headache makes me want to clothesline into a wall

* * *

Dick: I’m both pro herbal medicine and pro vaccination

Because you can treat burns with aloe vera juice and sore throats with lavender infused honey but…

You can’t rid a country of polio with plants.

* * *

Wally: Can Kahoot f*** off with the bright red screen after I get a question wrong I don’t need everyone behind me knowing I’m a goddamn idiot.

Dick: Are you asking for help or just needing an ear to listen to your problems?

* * *

Wally: You realize normal people don’t have such strong feelings about the Oxford comma

Dick: THE OXFORD COMMA IS IMPORTANT

Wally: You realize this makes you more of a nerd than you already are

Dick: Then let me explain…

I had a party with the strippers, George Bush and Barack Obama

I had a party with the strippers, George Bush, and Barack Obama

One without the comma, you are implying that George Bush and Barack Obama are strippers

Wally: The mathlete shouldn’t know things like this… nor should he care

Dick: Yeah well Barbara does and she gave me an earful when I said I didn’t care either.

* * *

Dick: People don’t have strong intuitive sense of how much bigger 1 billion is than 1 million. 

Like 1 million seconds is about 11 days while 1 billion seconds is about 31.5 years

Wally: Damn

* * *

Dick: Netflix is concerned about some of its users. 

According to Netflix someone watched the Bee Movie 357 times this year.

Wally: I’d be concerned too. I can’t get past the first five minutes

* * *

Dick: DUDE!!!

I have comeback for ‘No s*** Sherlock’ that everyone need to say now

Wally: I’m game

Dick: F*** you Watson

Wally: BET!!!

* * *

Dick: If I was trapped inside a room filled with explosives and the only way out was to eat a whole tomato I would die

Wally: I was about to ask why you would ever be in that situation but then I remembered who I was talking too.

* * *

Wally: A body of water; three letters

Dick: Bay?

Wally: Flying insect with a stinger; three letters

Dick: Bee

Wally: To hush someone; four letters

Dick: Shhh

Wally: Boat Noah built; three letters

Dick: Ark

Wally: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO 

* * *

Wally: A clownboy (half clown, half cowboy) says yeehonk

Dick: I already have problems with nightmare and you’re just making it worse

* * *

Dick: Your future self is watching you through your memories right now

Wally: Please don’t

* * *

Dick: My teacher asked me if I have a five year plan

Five year plan? You know who had a five year plan?

Stalin. And look where that got him

Wally: This isn’t something I need at three in the morning

* * *

Dick: It is called cauliflower. It is not called ghost broccoli.

Wally: I know what I saw

* * *

Wally: I just did a bad thing but it was too good to pass up.

Dick: Are they going to arrest you for it?

Wally: Prolly not but… I have definitely made my mom mad.

You know how my grandfather is a war vet?

Dick: Yes

Wally: He asked Artemis what THOT meant and I answered before she could

I told him that is meant That Hero Over There

So… he yelled out ‘Hear that Kelvin? I was a true THOT in Korea’

Dick: You are a terrible person

Wally: I know

* * *

Wally: (taking deep breaths) I’m f****** calm, I’m f****** calm, I’m f******-(sCrEaMs in OuTrAgE)

Dick: To be honest I should care… but then I remember… I couldn’t give a f***about any of it

* * *

Dick: I probably the smartest one of the smartest, most skilled people in the building right now

Wally: The last time I saw you your arm got stuck in a vending machine

Dick: I paid for mY SKITTLES, I’M GETTING MY SKITTLES

* * *

Wally: Hey, is Tim okay?

Dick: Think so… why?

Wally: I just watched him pour 10 packets of instant coffee into cold water and drink it in one go… without breaking eye contact.

Dick: There’s a gala he has to attend tonight.

* * *

Dick: I think I’m making people look bad.

Wally: Dick I hope you know that you’ve done that since the day you were born

* * *

Dick: Some guy just puked his guts up off to the side of the track

I’m not sure what to do and neither is anyone else

Do we help or laugh or look in any other direction?

Wally: You are all going to be bad cops.

* * *

Wally: Once in fifth grade this kid called homo and I thought it meant homeless and I was so confused I replied with ‘Alex you’ve been to my house before’.

Dick: Legendary

* * *

Dick: I had a dream the other night where tornadoes were made illegal 

And I remember about a dozen police cars driving directly toward a tornado with their sirens and all getting sucked into the tornado

Wally: That has made my day… thank

* * *

Dick: Our top story today…

According to a study, 9 out of 10 people who are afraid of hurdles…

Never get over it.

Wally: I just can’t get rid of you can I?

* * *

Wally: How did ‘The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog’ become the typical sentence that contains all letters of the alphabet and not ‘Sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow’ which is objectively a million times cooler.

Dick: Not objectively… it is

* * *

Dick: WALLS I have an emergency. 

My outfit isn’t dope enough today

Wally: I think we need to have a discussion about the meaning of an emergency

* * *

Wally: If I was high, it wouldn’t be on weed. That’s weak

Crap wrong person

Dick: Well? What would it be? I say go all the way and get some shrooms

* * *

Dick: You know you’re stressed when you start getting on your own nerves

Wally: No freaking kidding

* * *

Dick: I hate the saying ‘You’ll understand when you’re older’ 

I am older and I understand nothing

Wally: I actually understand less

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap...  
> on chapter 7 not the story  
> How lame of an ending would that be?


	8. Chapter 8

Wally: You know what I’ll prove it.

Just hit me, you’ll see

Dick: I can’t ‘cause I just got a manicure soo….

* * *

Dick: OMG

All odd numbers have an ‘e’ in them

Wally: Dick it’s been a long day and it’s 3 in the morning 

Dick: t-h-r-E-E

Wally: Go to sleep

* * *

Dick: If you feel uncomfortable in the night please understand it is just your skeleton’s inherent need for freedom

Wally: Well I WASN’T uncomfortable

* * *

Dick: Some _ body _ once trolled me, successfully rickroll’d me

Wally: I’m not the sharpest n00b in the thread

Dick: I was typing kind of dumb WITH THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON ON

Wally: I thought this text thread was finally dead.

Dick: Well the memes start coming , and they don’t stop coming.

Wally: Grabbing all the breadsticks. I’ll leave the shop running

Dick: Didn’t make sense not to live for

Gun

Wally: You left side’s beef but your pizza none

Dick: So much to text

It’s very wow

Can the doge meme finally die now?

Wally: It’s spoopy how fast the memes spread. They’ll never die until we’re [glances at smudged writing on hand] bread

Dick: Hey now! You’re a dank meme, got a new phone, who dis?

* * *

Wally: Time! To b**** slap! Some inner demons

Dick: I consider therapy a hands-on process

Wally: I am always waiting at attention with a broom to beat my intrusive thoughts back to their corner hole

Dick: Begone THOUGHT!!!!

* * *

Dick: If you only had 6 minutes to live, what’s the last song you’d listen to?

Wally: I’d spend the whole 6 minutes trying to figure it out

* * *

Wally: From 0 to internet explorer how ignored are you currently feeling right now?

Dick: Will Smith’s second son

Wally: I’m sorry his second what?!?!?!

* * *

Wally: With great power comes a great electricity bill

Dick: So turn off the fan in your room

Wally: NO! I need my white noise

* * *

Dick: I just want someone to take me out

Wally: Like on a date or with a sniper gun?

Dick: Surprise me

* * *

Wally: I’m living my best life but you know in my head

* * *

Wally: I’d like to make a withdrawal from the random fact bucket you’ve got in your brain

Dick: How random?

Wally: Intimidation level

Dick: The grass in the original  _ Shrek _ movie isn’t grass

It’s hair

They used hair textures for the grass because actual grass just wouldn’t cooperate for whatever reason so they used hair and made it green

Wally: Okay 

Dick: I also can give you Elvis Presley was a registered DEA officer who asked Nixon for the title and was awarded it

If you want some options

* * *

Dick: I always think Kiwi birds are the size of the fruit and they are not

Wally: ?

How big are they?

Dick: *sends picture of himself holding a Kiwi* Pumpkin sized

* * *

Wally: Someone just asked me what some of my achievements were

And I can’t tell them some of the real stuff so I blurted out former child

Dick: …

Well…

I mean you’re not wrong

But I wouldn’t put it under achievement

* * *

Wally: Okay…

If  _ Diet Coke _ is no sugar and no calories and  _ Coke Zero _ is no sugar and no calories then what’s the difference between the two other than can color?

Dick: Guess I’m breaking into  _ Coca Cola _ headquarters to figure this out

Wanna come?

Wally: Duh

* * *

Wally: HEY!!!

Google Translate does Australian

Dick: Finally!

Every time I’ve had a conversation with one I’ve been confused.

NO MORE!!!

* * *

Dick: I just read a story about this 99 year old dutch lady who LOVES true crime

Well apparently was her dreamed of getting arrested. So the cops in her area found out about this item on her bucket list and…

Picked her up

Handcuffed her

And threw her in the slammer

You should see the pictures she loved every second of it

Wally: OMG that’s amazing

* * *

Wally: Don’t ever let a recipe tell you how many chocolate chips to put in it. You measure that s*** with your heart.

Dick: Yeah

Stick it to the man

* * *

Dick:  _ Waffle House _ waitress pulls her own gun when robbers threaten restaurant

Wally: That’s why I eat there so much

I feel safe

* * *

Dick: Challenge!!!

Produce an emotionally moving story in one sentence

Go!

Wally: Hot dog fell out of bun directly into storm drain

* * *

Wally: I feel the hardest part of being vegan would definitely be waking up at 5am every morning to milk the almonds.

Dick: Do you not know how almond milk is made?

* * *

Dick: OMG did you know barcodes scan the white part?!?! Not the black

Firefly is opposite waterfall

You know what’s creepy about Humpty Dumpty? They never actually say he’s an egg

The letter x has more uses in math than the english language.

You have more ancestors than your ancestors

Don’t you dare sounds normal but Don’t you not dare sounds weird

Envelopes are weird. It’s like here’s paper wrapped in another paper that’s been sealed with my saliva.

When you wait for the waiter you become the waiter

Horses run on their fingernails

Volleyball is just hardcore hot potato

Why do feet smell but noses run?

Butter is just food lotion

Wally: I’m sorry butter is WHAT NOW????

* * *

Wally: *Sends picture of an orange* Consider this a f***ing warning

Wait 

Wrong person

Dick: Who are you threatening?

* * *

Dick: Any last words?

Wally: From our short time together do you think I’m unloved? Be honest.

Dick: Jesus Wally

* * *

Dick: I sleep with a bat under my bed just in case someone wants to break in and learn about echolocation.

Wally: Ummm Dick this sounds like it’s about to becomes another Sir Quakers incident

* * *

Wally: When you bite down on something you’re actually biting up.

Because we actually can’t move the top part of our jaw

Dick: Ack! Why???

Wally: Payback

* * *

Wally: Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat?

Dick: There isn’t stuff to look at.

Wally: Wouldn’t you think my collections complete

Dick: Wouldn’t you think I’m a girl, a girl who has everything

Wally: Look at this trove

Dick: Treasures untold

Wally: How many wonders can one cavern hold

Dick: Looking around her you’d think, ‘sure, she’s got everything’.

Wally: I’ve got gadgets and gizmos a-pleanty

Dick: I’ve got whosits and whatsis galore

Wally: You want thingamabobs?

Dick: I’ve got twenty

Wally: But who cares?

Dick: No big deal, I want more!

Wally: I wanna be where the people are

Dick: I want to see, want to see them dancing

Wally: Walking around on those-what do you call’em?

Dick: Crocs

* * *

Dick: Hello darling friend guess who just got

Injured

Wally: And is apparently super pumped about it

* * *

Dick: Welcome to the ‘Everybody Needs Help Club’ sponsored by no one.

Society lost all hope for us

Wally: Ooooooh yeah. That’s right y’all I’m part of a club

Boo yeah

* * *

Wally: hey

Hey

Hey

Hey

Hey

HEY

HEY

HEY

HEY

HELLO

DICK

AHHH

ANSWER

Dick: What?

Wally: what’s funnier than 24

Dick…

…

25

* * *

Dick: You need to clean your house

Wally: Um you’re one to talk. I’ve seen your workstation and case notes

AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?

Dick: I’m out of milk

* * *

Wally: Explain how you were the reason for another building randomly combusting

Dick: Dick isn’t here right now, please leave a message after the beep

Wally: This is a text message

* * *

Dick: Hi

I’m dead inside

Wally: Same


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dick: You know there’s people who say I can’t cook.  
> Wally: They obviously haven’t had your famous cereal

Dick: Just heard some girl say ‘Daniel if I wanted to kill myself I would just climb up you ego and jump down to you IQ

Wally: DAMN DANIEL

She’s savage

* * *

Wally: Let’s go somewhere and judge people

Dick: I’m free around 7:00

* * *

Wally: You think you’re sooo funny don’t you?

Dick: I think I’m hilarious

I make myself laugh

* * *

Dick: I swear medication manufacturers have no FREAKING CLUE what fruit tastes like

* * *

Wally: ACK

Dick: ?

Wally: Save me

Dick: From??

Wally: I have to make a phone call

Dick: : /

* * *

Dick: Don’t worry the spider is smaller than you

Wally: Yeah… So is a grenade

* * *

Wally: What do you call a person with a hearing impairment?

Dick: What?

Wally: WHAT DO YOU CALL A PERSON WITH A HEARING IMPAIRMENT?!?!?!?!?

* * *

Dick: What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality

Wally: BRUH

* * *

Wally: Hey Dick

Dick: ?

Wally: We don’t fart on friends

Dick: Huh??

* * *

Wally: I think we should make it illegal to be mean to me.

Who’s with me?

Dick: Not me

Wally: In my new world you would be put to death for such indiscretions

* * *

Dick: You know there’s people who say I can’t cook.

Wally: They obviously haven’t had your famous cereal

* * *

Wally: Not having to bring my backpack to school on the last day of elementary school is honestly the last time I felt free

* * *

Dick: You are so busy blowing out bad vibes in every direction that we’re all choking on you’re second-hand smoke

Wally: Why do I recognize that?

* * *

Dick: When people go underwater in movies I like to hold my breath with them to see if i would survive that situation

Wally: Bet you almost died in _Finding Nemo_

* * *

Dick: Asparagus grows like it’s trying to prank some idiot into thinking that’s how asparagus grows

Wally: Damn you’re right

* * *

Wally: So… Do you abuse drugs

Dick: Damn right I do.

I see a drug I punch the f*** out of drugs

Wally: Glad someone’s doing it

* * *

Dick: What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk

Wally: This is a notice that your friendship with Wally West has been terminated. Have a nice life.

* * *

Dick: ‘I’m gonna wing it.’ -me about something I definitely should not wing.

Wally” Oh my god it’s becoming self aware

* * *

Wally: Can I ask you a question?

Dick: Sure

IDK I just have fast fingers I guess

Wally: How do you reply so fast?

WTF

* * *

Dick: Whatever you do today make sure you do it with the confidence of a 4 year old in a Superman costume

Wally: Uhhh okay

* * *

Dick: I would just like to announce that I have no idea what I’m doing

Wally: Thanks for the heads up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. Enjoy the bonus chapter


	10. Chapter 10

Wally: Just went to the store and successfully purchased some cashews

Dick: Congrajilashins

Wally: Seriously

* * *

Dick: What if I’m a spider?

Wally: You only have two arms and two legs

Dick: What if I’m half a spider?

Wally: Then I don’t know what to tell you.

* * *

Wally: Why aren’t noodles fixing my grades?

Dick: IDK

One of life’s greatest mysteries.

* * *

Dick: Getting called a liar when you’re telling nothing but the truth is the most frustrating thing ever.

Wally: I am not going to believe you no matter what argument you come up with.

Dick: When would I have done what you’re accusing me of?

Wally: I have no idea.

I just know you moved everything in my house two inches to the left and I’m constantly stubbing my toe and I’m tired of it.   


* * *

Wally: You’re standing on thin ice

Dick: I’m standing on the floor

Wally: It’s an expression

Dick: It’s carpet

Wally: Listen here you little s****

* * *

Dick: Hey I have a pun for you.

Wally: Oh… uhhh… okay

What is it?

Dick: It’s like a joke where you play with words

Wally:  : /

* * *

Dick: HEY!!!

I have a super important question for you 

Why does  _ Spongebob _ have two versions of King Neptune?

Wally: ……

I… I don’t know

WTF

* * *

Wally: Artemis said I was immature so I banned her from my cardboard fort

Dick: Seems appropriate

* * *

Wally: Are you tired of the convenience of a water bottle?

Dick: Am I ever.

Wally: Than you should try Water in your Hands

Water in your Hands it’s a mess.

* * *

Wally: That feeling when you don’t even know what the f*** you’re doing.

* * *

Dick: There is a man in a coma after eating 413 biscuits from  _ Red Lobster _ .

Wally: Weak

* * *

Wally: I don’t believe in ghosts

Dick: That’s alright they still believe in you

* * *

Dick: Do you ever get so excited that you just want to crush a human skull in your hands?

Wally: I believe you just described breathing.

Dick: I am fairly certain I DID NOT

* * *

Dick: Kids are wild

Wally: How so?

Dick: Some kid in my building knocked on my door and asked me to give him a banana.

Wally: Did you give him one?

Dick: Yeah

Wally: So… if I’m reading this right

Some rando kid shows up at your door and asks you for a banana and you just gave it to him for free.

That’s a whole market I’m missing out on

Dick: And will likely continue as you are not a six year old boy

* * *

Dick: I just discovered something super dark.

Wally: Do tell

Dick: It’s a natural human instinct to squeeze thing we find cute

Apparently there is no satisfying way to feel when you see something cute so the human instinct is to kill it.

Wally: Huh. That explains a lot

* * *

Wally: What do you want me to bring you for breakfast?

Dick: Eggs

Wally: What kind?

Dick: Easter

Wally: Are you okay?

* * *

Dick: *Sends a selfie of himself in a beekeeper suit*

On sale on  _ Amazon _ , $39.99

Wally: Seriously? Someone needs to cancel your  _ Amazon Prime _ account your getting out of hand.

Dick: That comment kind of stings but I’m not hurt. Know why? I got me a beekeeper suit.

* * *

Dick: What if you hit your alarm clock one morning and it hits you back

Wally: That would be alarming

* * *

Dick: I bet microwaves are actually just filled with a million invisible eyes that just stare at food until it gets all embarrassed and hot

Wally: What on EARTH are you smoking?!?!?

*the next morning*

Dick: I just want to apologize for what I sent you last night

Those painkillers really screw with me

* * *

Wally: Bless you

Oh shoot my dog just sneezed and I texted it instead of saying it to him

Oops

Dick: LOL

* * *

Wally: I like to think money wouldn’t change me; yet when I’m winning  _ Monopoly _ I’m a terrible person

* * *

Wally: Skeletons aren’t scary.

We’re filled with this pulsing, oozing, meat

And you think the skeletons are scary

The meat’s scary 

The meat

Dick: You okay there bud?

* * *

Dick: Why are any of us here really?

Wally: I am asking you specifically

* * *

Dick: Call me in 5 and say I gotta come get you

Wally: Level 1 or level 10

Dick: Level 10 get me out of here

Wally: Okay, I’ll even start crying if you put me on speaker

* * *

Wally: The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor and this is how the war against the machines begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sigh* And another one done


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dick: I just spent 40 minutes in the shower thinking about why there’s a thing called a grapefruit when there is also a fruit that is called a grape.  
> Wally: Because the shower opens up portal in the mind that are otherwise inaccessible by man

Dick: No matter how big and bad you are, when a two year old hands you a toy phone you answer the damn thing.

Wally: So what happened to you today

* * *

Dick: At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it into the crowd to find out who’s next.

Wally: I mean I got you but why me?

Dick: I don’t think Tim can stomach the idea, I KNOW you can

* * *

Dick: You ask me ‘what time is it?’. I immediately pull out my 2.7 metric ton sundial. Crushing both of your feet and loudly announcing, ‘It’s cloudy’.

Wally:  : /

* * *

Dick: We’re sad today

Wally: Uh why?

Dick: I SAID WE’RE SAD TODAY

* * *

Wally: Do you have a bag I could borrow?

Dick: The only bags I have are the ones under my eyes, and they specifically designed to carry the burden of my existence.

Wally: Literally all you had to say was no

Dick: Where’s the fun in that.

* * *

Wally: Are Medusa’s leg hairs also snakes?

Dick: Asking the real questions

* * *

Wally: Just discovered that humans can fit a lightbulb into their mouth without shattering it but can’t take it out without shattering it.

So now I have to physically restrain myself from sticking a lightbulb into my mouth for the sake of science.

Dick: You are a hazard to society.

* * *

Wally: Just saw a note on my microwave that Artemis left me. ‘No more science in the microwave!!’

Dick: All we did was microwave a few dozen highlighters and some Christmas lights.

Wally: Yeah I don’t know what her problem is either.

* * *

Dick: I’m going bananas 

Wally: Uhh

Dick: Is what I tell my bananas before I leave the apartment.

Wally: LOL

Dick: I’m glad you found that apPEALing

Wally: I retract my LOL

* * *

Wally: Why don’t we just put all the ocean into a cup or something, clean out the bottom, and then pour it back?

Dick: IDK man the ocean has a lot of water you’ll need like two cups

* * *

Dick: My songs have vague suspicions about what you did in the dark

Wally: Let’s precariously light objects up

Dick: I am moderately aflame

* * *

Wally: That’s a bad idea

Dick: Uh huh

Wally: You already did it

Dick: Yuppers

* * *

Wally: It’s what’s on the inside that really matters

Dick: Really? Give me an example

Wally: Refrigerator

Dick: I see

* * *

Wally: Myth-They don’t think it be like it be

Dick: Truth- But it do

* * *

Wally: The Earth is flat so if we just flip it over it will be like the cool side of a pillow and BOOM no more global warming

Dick: Sounds sciencey enough to be true

* * *

Dick: Serotonin? In this economy?!?!?!

Wally: OMG

* * *

Dick: *Looks at the due date for the work I put off*

Tomorrow huh? That’s wild

* * *

Dick: Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom

Wally: *Sigh* because the pee is silent?

Dick: No you idiot it’s ‘cause they’re all dead

* * *

Dick: *Enters my own password* I’m in

* * *

Dick: Are you up?

Wally: Yes

Dick: Are you mad?

Wally: Of course not. Why? Should I be?

Dick: IDK the ‘yes’ sounded angry in my head

* * *

Wally: ‘Trick or Yeet’ I shout to the children when I open the door. ‘Yeet?’ One child asks confused. I shrug ‘Yeet has been chosen!’ I throw the child.

Dick: Seriously Wally?

* * *

Dick: In the beginning, there was…

Wally: A world without boxes

Dick: And the Lord said ‘Let there be…”

Wally: A box

* * *

Wally: I just poured brownie batter into our waffle iron and let me just say

Breakfast has been upgraded

Dick: This is the kind of information I want to wake up too

* * *

Wally: Taco cat backwards is still taco cat, don’t know what to do with this information.

Dick: Dog food lid backwards is Dildo of God

Wally: I don’t know what to do with that information either.

* * *

Dick: When I was a

Wally: A young boy

Dick: My father

Wally: ATE A F***ING LEMON!! HE DIDN’T SQUEEZE IT INTO ANYTHING!! HE DIDN’T CUT IT INTO PIECES!! HE DIDN’T EVEN SKIN IT!! HE JUST STUFFED THE ENTIRE THING LEMON INTO HIS MOUTH AND SWALLOWED!! I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO HORRIBLE IN MY LIFE!!

Dick: To see a marching band

* * *

Wally: Who ate my candy last night?

Dick: You did

I watched you and warned you that you wouldn’t like the consequences

Wally: I betrayed me

* * *

Dick: I keep forgetting that  _ Veggietales _ is a christian program because nothing looks like it fears God.

* * *

Wally: Why don’t murders just bury bodies in the cemetery?

Dick: Thanks for the tip

Wally: No this is not a tip it’s a joke

* * *

Wally: I hope one day I’m the guy that walks into a room and all eyes are on him.

Dick: The trick is to wear a really big hat and scream.

* * *

Wally: The stabbing of Julius Caesar was the only time everyone participated in a group project.

Dick: Apart from the fact that there were 60 people that agreed and he was only stabbed 23 times

Wally: Sounds about right.   


* * *

Wally: Why did everyone play the recorder in elementary school? What were they training us for?

Dick: The apocalypse

* * *

Wally: So if I don’t tell you Artemis will and I want this to be told my way…

Dick: Wait… what?

Wally: It took me several hours to find my phone charger. 

Once I found it I was very proud of myself and announced it to Artemis

Dick: Naturally

Wally: She then reminded me I was looking for my keys.

Dick: PFFT

* * *

Wally: I want bigger hands

Dick: Why

Wally: So I can hold more cupcakes

Dick: Obviously

* * *

Dick: I was just told that ‘If vaccines were healthy, you could put it on a spoon and eat it. Try it, you’ll die.’

Normally I wouldn’t have said anything but stupidity of this level needs a response. 

So I told her ‘If broccoli was healthy, you could put it in a syringe and inject it into your bloodstream. Try it, you’ll die.’

Wally: Wait seriously?!?! What’d she do?

Dick: Got angry and stormed off.

* * *

Wally: Does  _ Lightning McQueen  _ buy life insurance or car insurance?

Dick: Great now I’m going to be thinking about this all day

* * *

Dick: Why is it that when they CDC says to throw out your romaine lettuce everyone everyone takes it as gospel yet when the same agency tells you that vaccines save lives they’re part of the illuminati?

Wally: Because people are dumb

* * *

Dick: I just spent 40 minutes in the shower thinking about why there’s a thing called a grapefruit when there is also a fruit that is called a grape.

Wally: Because the shower opens up portal in the mind that are otherwise inaccessible by man

* * *

Wally: I hit a tree

Dick: WHAT??

Are you okay?

Or should I say oaky?

Haha

Sorry 

But actually

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope all of you had a fun 'Murica Day ; D


	12. Chapter 12

Dick: If you think about it…

Radiation is just spicy air

Wally: Uhhh… No

* * *

Wally: How are you doing?

Dick: Oh you know same soup just reheated

Wally: …

…

HUH?!?!?!?!?

* * *

Dick: Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re worthless

Your kidneys alone are worth $138,700

Wally: Uh… Thanks?

* * *

Wally: Mama just killed a man, put a gun against his…

Dick: Gun

Wally: Pulled the trigger now he’s…

Dick: Gun

Wally: Momma life had juuuuust be…

Dick: GUN!!!!

* * *

Wally: ANNNDD what do we say when life disappoints us?

Dick: Called it

Wally: No

* * *

Dick: Remember bird watching goes both ways

Wally: That’s vaguely threatening, thank you

* * *

Wally: Sleeping in the summer is hard because under the blankets is too warm but over the blankets I’m vulnerable to monsters.

* * *

Dick: When you become an adult people stop asking what your favorite dinosaur is.

They don’t even care!

Wally: What _is_ your favorite dinosaur?

Dick: Don’t try it’s too late

* * *

Wally: Just heard someone call country music ‘farm emo’ and now that’s all I hear

* * *

Wally: Do you have any skeletons in your closet?

Dick: Literally or figuratively?

Wally: Honestly the fact I have to specify

* * *

Dick: Bruce texted me asking how living on my own was going so I sent him a picture of the milk jug that I cut up and turned into a makeshift cereal bowl and told him everything was stupendous.

* * *

Wally: Man what are we still doing here?

Dick: Dunno, suffer probably

Wally: Walmart the land of suffering 

* * *

Wally: What are YOUR New Years’ resolutions?

Dick: 1080p

Wally: Back to hell with you

* * *

Dick: Gentle reminder not to eat too much candy before bed

Wally: No

Dick: This was a gentle reminder and yet your words of defiance bring me ungodly amounts of rage.

Wally: *word

Dick: I want nothing more than to uppercut you directly to heaven’s front door

* * *

Wally: If you think about it in the shower you’re not over it

Dick: I’m apparently not over the burning of the libraries in Alexandria

Wally: Is anyone truly over it?

Dick: They shouldn’t be.

* * *

Dick: By day I look like your run of the mill cop

BUT WHEN NIGHT STRIKES… I’m crying alone it my bed

Wally: *eyeroll* can you be like 10% less depressing and like 80% more realistic about your actual nightlife?

* * *

Wally: Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong.

Dick: I don’t suggest it sometimes the smoke isn’t always pleasant.

* * *

Dick: You don’t wash your hands. They actually wash each other and you stand there and watch

Lazy

Wally: I don’t need to take this lying down.

* * *

Dick: Amputating Mike Wazowski’s legs would be the same thing as beheading him

Wally: Can you please quit ruining my childhood with these horrific things?

* * *

Wally: What gives you butterflies every single time no matter how many times you do it?

Dick: Buying caterpillars

* * *

Dick: You are never too old to say ‘horses’ when driving past some horses.

Wally: Thank god

* * *

Dick: Which American president was least guilty?

Lincoln

He was _in a cent_

:D

Wally: I hate you

* * *

Wally: The moon is waxing tonight

Dick: What are you talking about?

The moon is just hanging there and has no hair to speak of what could it possibly be waxing?

Wally: That’s it the gauntlet has been thrown and we’re fighting to the death

Dick: …

…

You’re on

* * *

Wally: We need to list our top priorities for this outing

Dick: I have 7 first priorities that need to be accomplished

Wally: *sigh* Dick we’ve discussed this.

* * *

Dick: CPR is just the human equivalent to blowing into a video game cartridge hoping it will work again and you can’t tell me otherwise.

Wally: Well I was planning to but you told I couldn’t so I won’t.

* * *

Wally: Someone asked if I was the guy who ‘ _brags about weird s***_?’

I told him ‘No I was the guy who took the longest baths in the city

Needless to say he was jealous

Dick: Nice

* * *

Dick: My brain automatically translates WTF but not LOL

Wally: Oh thank god I thought I was the only one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of these was an actual conversation between my mom and my sister, whoever guesses it correctly wins........ satisfaction. (I'm poor I don't have much else) Chao !D


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dick: You owe me like a dollar  
> Wally: You’ll have to kill me for it

Wally: Who do you think would win in a fight to the death? IHOP or Denny’s?

Dick: Denny’s hands down.

IHOP hosts children’s birthday parties but Denny’s is the place where I’d go meet with some rogues or something.

Wally: I’m down with that logic

* * *

Dick: Did you know chickens are buoyant?!?!?!?

Wally: Why do you even know that?

Dick: A series of events may have occurred causing a chicken to get thrown into a pool

Wally: You better be calling with some details.

* * *

Dick: My therapist claims I’m preoccupied with vengeance

We’ll see about that.

* * *

Wally: You often use humor to deflect serious trauma

Dick: Thank you

Wally: No no. That’s not a good thing

Dick: What I’m hearing is that you think I’m funny

* * *

Dick: You are my favorite idiot

Wally: *sniffles* thanks I needed that

* * *

Wally: Shout out to water keeping my throat sufficiently lubricated for optimal yodeling techniques

Dick: That got weirder and weirder as I read it.

* * *

Wally: The fact that we know chameleons exist means that they’re worthless idiot failures

Dick: You okay there buddy?

* * *

Wally: Is spelt spelled spelt of spelled? 

Asking for a friend

Dick: *Sucks in breath* Okay take a seat I’m about to make your brain explode everywhere

Spelt is spelled spelt in any nation except America but in America spelt isn’t spelled spelt it’s spelled spelled. 

Wally: And now there’s brain guts everywhere.

* * *

Dick: I KNOW HOW TO SOLVE THE RISE OF OCEAN LEVELS

LINE THE COAST WITH PAPER TOWELS

THEY’RE SUPER ABSORBANT

Wally: WHY ARE YOU YELLING?!?!?!

Dick: BECAUSE I’M EXCITED

* * *

Wally: But what if it happens?!?!

Dick: It won’t

Wally: But what if it does?!?!

Dick: It won’t

Wally: But what if it does?!?!

Dick: You got me there.

* * *

Wally: Be good

Dick: Maybe tomorrow

* * *

Wally: So I’ll meet you at the pier at 3

Dick: As god wills it.

Wally: wtf does that mean? OK?

Dick: Aye

By my troth! A plague is upon me!

Wally: Do you have a concussion or something?

Dick: Aye

* * *

Wally: I need a major distraction at this school event Artemis is dragging me too.

Dick: Like to get out of it or through it?

Wally: Out of it

Dick: I could jump off a roof and brake my leg. It would also help me get out of a gala I have to attend.

Wally: Yeah I’m just gonna put that idea in the trash for you

* * *

Dick: You owe me like a dollar

Wally: You’ll have to kill me for it

* * *

Dick: You know what drives me up a wall?

Those stair things

Wally: Stair lifts

Dick: Yeah

* * *

Dick: What if church was JesusCon?

Wally: What if it wasn’t?

* * *

Dick: Do you ever just know

With absolute certainty

That Mario’s mustache is made of bone

* * *

Wally: You’ve heard of Elf on the Shelf

Now get ready for Roman Emperor in Lower Temperature

Dick: Or…

Cesar in the Freezer

Ruler in the Cooler

Julius in the Coolius

Wally: Damn yours are better

* * *

Wally: I wanna DIIEEEE!!!!

Dick: Why?

Wally: I’m at that school thing I didn’t want to attend

Dick: Me breaking my leg is still on the table

Wally: It’s not even in the dining room.

* * *

Wally: What’s the first thing you notice when someone approaches you?

Dick: The audacity

* * *

Wally: All I ever wanted was a good friend

Dick: And God said you had to settle with me

* * *

Wally: Are you awake?

Dick: Nope, just experiencing death.

* * *

Wally: Sometimes the dumb b**** in your life is you.

Dick: An autobiography

* * *

Wally: When is your bedtime?

Dick: Whenever I next collapse is purely up to the gods

* * *

Wally: When I was little I used to think I could control ducks with my mind. BUT it turns out that ducks and I have similar ideas about what stuff ducks do.

Dick: Nice

* * *

Wally: What inspires you to get out of bed in the morning?

Dick: My bladder mostly

* * *

Dick: Are you full bred American?

Wally: Yeah! My dad’s a bald eagle and my mom’s a Big Mac

* * *

Wally: Google angry duck when you have a chance.

You’ll thank me later

*Later*

Dick: Thanks

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to give credit where credit is due...   
> Thanks B99 for reminding me of the best comeback I've heard ever and the fact that I had to use it. If you haven't watched that show you should it's amazing and genuinely funny the whole time.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm open for suggestions for future chapters.


End file.
